What Should a Muslim Woman Look for in a Potential Husband?

Second: Good Character Is No Less Important The Prophet ﷺ did not say only, “his religion.” Rather, he said, “his religion and character.” Therefore, one should look for a man who is known for truthfulness, trustworthiness, mercy, and forbearance; who does not insult, curse, or belittle others; and who treats his parents and family well. Among the most important things to find out is how he behaves when angry and during disagreements. This is because displaying good character when everything is agreeable is easy; a person’s true character often becomes apparent during disputes.

Fourth: What Should a Woman Ask the Suitor? It is permissible for her to ask him about matters she needs to know in order to make a decision regarding marriage. Ibn Baz رحمه الله mentioned the permissibility of a suitor and the woman he is proposing to speaking about matters related to marriage, with the purpose of each of them becoming acquainted with the circumstances of the other. She may ask him about his circumstances, his work, and his religious commitment in order to ascertain these matters before marriage. Among the most important questions are: How consistent are you in maintaining the prayers and praying in congregation? What is your Aqeedah and Manhaj, and from whom do you take knowledge? How do you view the rights of the husband and the rights of the wife? What is your understanding of the husband’s authority and responsibility within the family, and how should the household be managed? What do you do when you become angry, and how do you deal with disagreements? Where will we live? Will the accommodation be independent? What is your occupation and income? Do you have any debts or significant financial obligations? Do you want children? How do you view their upbringing and education? What is your view regarding the wife working or studying, if this is important to her? What limits should there be on the involvement of parents and relatives in married life? Who are your friends, and how do you spend your free time? Do you smoke or use anything prohibited? What is your position regarding music, movies, social media, free mixing, and similar matters? Have you been married before? Do you have children? Are there any important matters that could affect married life which should be known before the marriage contract? It is not necessary to ask all these questions using these exact words. Rather, she should choose from them whatever is appropriate to her circumstances and those of the suitor. Fifth: Do Not Rely Solely on His Answers This is one of the most important principles. A person may ask the suitor, “Are you quick-tempered?” and he says, “No.” He may be asked, “Do you treat women well?” and he says, “Yes.” He may be asked, “Are you responsible?” and he says, “Yes.” However, what matters is not merely what a person says about himself. Therefore, inquiries should be made about him among those who know him at the mosque, at work, among his friends, and among his relatives. Trustworthy people who will not merely flatter him should be chosen. This is what Ibn Baz رحمه الله emphasized when he said: How can you know his religion and character when you have not asked the “good and righteous people” about him? Sixth: What Answers Should She Look For? What is required is not that the suitor give perfect, memorized answers. Rather, what should become apparent from his speech is uprightness, truthfulness, maturity, and a willingness to bear responsibility. For example, if he is asked about marital disagreements, a man saying, “If we disagree, I will try to discuss the matter calmly. If the anger becomes intense, I will postpone the discussion until we have calmed down, and I will not allow insults or humiliation,” is better than a man who speaks about control and punishment in every disagreement. If he is asked about financial maintenance, he should understand that it is his Islamic responsibility, rather than stipulating that his wife must spend her salary on the household. If he makes a mistake concerning a religious matter, then consideration should be given to whether he acknowledges his mistake and wants to rectify himself, or whether he justifies the sin and treats it lightly. Seventh: Compatibility Is Also Important A man being righteous does not necessarily mean that he is suitable for every woman. Compatibility should be considered in matters such as the level of religious commitment, lifestyle, accommodation, children, education, work, relationship with the family, the country in which they will live, and the way finances will be managed. The man may be righteous and the woman may be righteous, but a major difference between their respective views of married life may lead to continual problems. Eighth: The Islamic Look and Acceptance Psychological acceptance and physical appearance should not be neglected.

Ninth: Signs That Call for Greater Caution Among the matters that warrant pausing and investigating further are: negligence regarding the prayer, repeated lying, severe anger, insults and humiliation, prohibited relationships, addiction, consuming intoxicants or drugs, large concealed debts, unwillingness to bear responsibility, disregarding the wife’s rights, attempts at excessive control, and a significant contradiction between what he says about himself and what those who know him say about him. A person should not be judged merely on the basis of a rumor. Rather, the matter should be verified and inquiries should be made about him. Conclusion: The primary Islamic criterion is the statement of the Prophet ﷺ: “One whose religion and character you are pleased with.” Therefore, look for sound religion, uprightness, good character, trustworthiness, and the ability to bear responsibility. Then consider compatibility and mutual acceptance. It is not sufficient merely to ask the suitor about himself. Rather, careful inquiries should be made about him. Ibn Uthaymeen رحمه الله said: “Carefully investigating the person who is proposing marriage is an emphatically obligatory matter.” Ibn Baz رحمه الله likewise emphasized the necessity of asking about his conduct, deeds, and companions. The woman should then ask him about the matters that will affect her future with him: his religion, prayer, character, anger, financial maintenance, accommodation, children, work, debts, family, friends, habits, and how he resolves disagreements, along with having the Islamic look and performing Istikharah. If religion and good character, trustworthiness and responsibility, compatibility and acceptance all come together, and after asking and investigating it is most likely that the man is righteous, then these are among the strongest reasons for proceeding with the marriage, while placing one’s trust in Allah and performing Istikharah.